


Sorrow

by Sacrilewis



Category: Shadowhunters (TV), The Mortal Instruments Series - Cassandra Clare
Genre: Character Death, Death, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, I am so sorry, It's just sad cause I'm in pain over the cancellation, M/M, So I made Malec suffer, i love them really
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-07-07
Updated: 2019-07-07
Packaged: 2020-06-24 07:05:43
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,842
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19718656
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Sacrilewis/pseuds/Sacrilewis
Summary: When unjust fate takes your soul and heart, immortality becomes a heavy load to carry. Family was a concept Magnus had never had, but when his late husband passed, he left the strong bond to those he loved behind.





	Sorrow

**Author's Note:**

> Don't hate me. I hate myself. Wrote this when I was feeling bad just after the cancellation. 
> 
> Here you go. I tried to turn in into something positive when I read over it a few months later, but I'm not sure it worked. 
> 
> If anyone wants to send me /cute/ Malec stuff to fix my heart, please do that on Twitter. @Bluebellartsies  
> Thank you :) 
> 
> If you haven't read the tags: TW: Death.

Manicured fingers, so slender in their length and decorated with chunks of polished silver, moved along the object in their grip; so smooth and embellished with hundreds of little marks scraped into the surface. How many battles had it fought? How many lives had it saved? Magnus guessed thousands.

He traced along the entire shaft down to the red artificial fletching until his index finger pressed against the nock. The arrowhead so sharp; the force able to transfer into this small weapon by mere elastic energy was so merciless in its attack and still, it had failed to save its owner. With time and thought and heartbreak his rationality had evaporated and left agony, and agony made him unable to think every time he looked at the weapon. Magnus hated this arrow. He hated all of the ones still neatly organised in the quiver against the wall, but he hated this one in particular. It had failed to save when it had mattered most. 

As he turned it in his hands, it reflected the artificial light in the room. Reflected it and projected a moving shape across the darkened walls as if it was trying to remind him that its energy was angelic. An angelic weapon that had taken away his heart. It had shot him once in the hands of Cupid, then shot Cupid and brought torment over lovers. Tortured one and taken away the other. And Alec had been like Cupid to him, had shot an arrow through his heart, broken all defences and warmed his chest in love; such a pure and fulfilling love he had never wanted to let go off. And just like Cupid, an archer wasn’t spared from the danger of his own weapon. The ordeal of love, Magnus had to live with it; the atrocity of death. But Alec, in his wide fearful eyes, he was the one who suffered. Physically, undoubtedly, but the way those eyes had looked at him, paralysed in shock and glazed in guilt, they had spoken of exploding panic.

Alec had taken his last breath in pain, not afraid of death itself, but scared of leaving him behind. In this moment he had suffered because he knew; he knew that seeing his immortal love, he himself was spared the pain. Magnus, however, Magnus sat here now, exactly one year later and remembered. 

“I’m so sorry.” He had whispered, coughed and gasped. Injuries so destructive that the shape of several different patterns, only one familiar to a warlock, weren’t strong enough to save him. “Don’t forget that I love you.” Alec had continued under burning hiccups. “I will love you still… wherever it is I’m going to” 

He had kept that promise, Magnus could feel it. He could feel it in this room and everywhere he went. Alec lingered in his life, so completely present, so completely made up. Magnus simply couldn’t let go off him. Having lost countless loves before this one bled him dry, made sure the cuts were deep enough for no string strong enough to fix it.

And Magnus wanted it that way. 

But Alec, with his broad shoulders and his strong posture, will never hold his weapon again. He will never see his long, beautiful fingers aim at the sky or a target. He will never see the string be pulled back with such force, spine straightened up into its needed form as if Alec was born to handle that bow. Once so fascinated by it, Magnus was now left with a soulless weapon in exchange for his lost love. And as much as he hated the weapon, he could not separate from it – it had been with Alec for so long, had been a part of the young man and the warlock didn’t want to lose any more of him. He held onto every bit of Alec he could find.  
  
The apartment had not changed since Alec was gone; pictures of his flashing smile, his warm eyes and their love were displayed throughout the apartment; even the first photos they had taken together in Japan, which were neatly decorated with a small ありがとう at the bottom of the pictures. Thank you, Magnus thought, thank you indeed.

Alec’s shirts still hung untouched in their wardrobe, his soft dark slippers were still accurately organised at the edge of their bed. His possessions were all over the place; shoes in the corner, a blanket Magnus had given him was folded at the edge of the sofa; still so navy blue and soft but without the scent Alec had always carried around with. Even the toothbrush and shampoo he had brewed him had its place in the bathroom, and the flowers Alec had bought him a few days before his death were now magically kept alive. Magnus didn’t want to lose the last gesture of affection Alec had gifted him with. If the preservation would eventually let them wither and die, Magnus knew his heart would die with them. He had to ensure their ongoing bloom, protect it in a way he couldn’t do with Alec’s life.  
  
Magnus couldn’t leave the house without thinking about Alec, he couldn’t come home without the longing to feel him in his arms. And as he glanced up from the arrow in his hands and towards the main door, memories of the countless times Alec had entered this loft came rushing back to him…

  
Indicated by the rattling of metal and the following click of unlocking, the door opened and Alec walked in. “I’m home.” He said, shook his leather jacket off his shoulders and threw it over the mantelpiece.  
“Welcome back, love.” Magnus greeted him as he walked out of the kitchen, hands so routinely cupping his cheeks to pull him into a kiss. Lips tasted pleasantly sweet, just the right amount to keep Magnus hooked. And while Alec’s fingers were interlaced in his black hair, they stumbled towards the sofa, not leaving space for the other to move. They had been parted for too long, had to make up for hours and hours of separation. Even after years they were still so fond of each other, their devotion had only grown and made them turn more and more into the joyous juvenile cliché of true love. Their hearts had turned to one with time, the heat of feeling moulding each other into the same shape.

Alec pushed him, just strong enough to make him fall backwards but still gentle, still so careful. It never ceased to surprise him how hands so used to handle weapons, covered in tiny witnessing scars of the cruel but absolutely necessary acts they usually performed, turned so tender and gentle towards him. Leaning down to capture the warlock’s lips again, hurriedly and eagerly, Magnus realised how completely brainwashed he was; manipulated into projecting his whole world, heart and soul into the shape of one single human. There was no regret, feeling his soft skin under tickling fingertips, building his world around this man, making him the core of his very being, had been the best choice of his immortal life. His hands reached around Alec’s arms, shifting and shuffling onto the sofa as he led him to follow. Resting between his legs and hands supporting his weight on the armrest, Alec placed a couple more single sweet kisses onto Magnus’ lips, before his weight sank onto his body. The warlock’s fingers were now tangled in Alec’s dark hair in return, massaging the sensitive scalp underneath. Alec’s eyes fluttered shut in exhaustion, nose buried in the fabric against his chest with the most adorable, enjoying sigh leaving his lips. “I’ve missed you.” He whispered, his hands resting on Magnus’ side. “Busy day?” Magnus asked in return, lips curled into a satisfied little grin. Alec’s response was a hum.  
  
This is how their evening had usually ended, limbs tangled in each other, Alec’s head resting on Magnus chest, eyelids too heavy to be kept open and this little purr-like sound he made every time the warlock’s fingertips twisted and twirled single strands of hair. This was, Magnus thought, how he wanted to spend the rest of his life. 

Memories didn’t stop there. Magnus’ fingertips traced his lips, tongue darting out. Like moths to light, Magnus’ mind would always go back to Alec; it drifted and fluttered towards those sweet memories that were still so real to him and so inexplicably missed. His heart ached just thinking about the way Alec’s lips tasted and how his warmth always seemed to radiate through him. But if he didn’t, if he didn’t remind himself of how sweet and soft his lips felt against his own, he would forget. Magnus couldn’t forget the lips that had sealed a vow at their wedding; vows he had never thought to hear, or say. They spoke about love; eternal love, devotion and protection, happiness and their promise to never forget about what they have had. Magnus would keep that promise. It was hard enough to live on without his Alexander, so much harder not to think of him.  
  
How Magnus wanted to hear this beautiful young man to repeat his speech, relive the moment in which he had taken Alec’s hands in his, gold on his finger that would connect them with each other in ways he had never dreamed of. He remembered how warm Alec’s hands had been, a thin film of sweat covering them as their palms touched. They were trembling and his features tight; he remembered being unsure if he had changed his mind. But he lit up with that gorgeous wide grin no one else had ever been on the receiving end of. A grin that was solely created for Magnus; all teeth, dimples and little crinkles at the corners of his eyes, long dark eyelashes almost crossing one another. He had never felt his heart constrict in happiness before, never felt that tightness that made him fear their future because he knew he couldn’t bare losing Alec. But not even magic had managed to stop time.  
  
Why did it have to come this way? Magnus had always known that mortality equalled a farewell. Not once had he tried to lie to himself but, putting it simply, he had not expected it to be this soon. Alec had been young and strong and so full of life when he died; he had only started living when they first met. Which only came up to seven years. Seven short years in which Alec had built on his dreams and his future, before all of it was taken away from him while everyone else was allowed to succeed.

How would he ever be able to forget? Alec’s eyes, so dark and glazed with tears and pain, had overwritten the memory of his beautiful smile. All their arguments of the past had evaporated too, replaced by the look in his eyes when he apologised. Nobody else would have thought about apologising while they felt life leaving their body. But when Alec’s heart started struggling to pump blood, injuries leaving a warning sign, Alec had reached out for Magnus’ face, kissed him and cried because he felt his life leave his grasp. He had tried so hard, held onto the string in his hands until it slipped right out of his fingers, all the while he begged Magnus to live on and be happy; apologised for all the fears that had haunted him throughout the past few years.  
  
How would he be able to? Alec had become the biggest part of his life, the only reason Magnus felt warm and content when he opened his eyes in the morning. His days only made sense because of the warm breath that tickled the crook of his neck, the sleepy hitch in his boyfriend’s voice that he loved so much. Alec had grown to be his heart, his love, his hero; absolutely everything. There was no space for him in the box of memories – Alec wasn’t a memory. He was his past, his present, and he would be his future.  
  
Magnus sank bank into the cushions, blinking away his tears. Those moments broke him; if he only had one wish, one wish for someone to bring his Alexander back to him, he would take it. Magnus would beg the Angel to give him back. The agony grew, constricting his chest and coiling around his windpipe. Magnus coughed, felt uncontrolled magic tickle between his fingers, deep blue sparks surrounding his manicured hands.  
  
There was a knock at the door at the exact moment. He snapped out of the painful memories, distanced himself from the edge of the swallowing abyss that Alec had created. With him gone, Magnus’ existence was in constant danger; eternity suddenly felt pointless.

Raising onto his feet, he walked towards his apartment door and opened it. He hadn’t expected to see what he did, an inevitable smile decorating his pained features. “I didn’t expect you to turn up.” Magnus said and opened the door for his visitors. “You shouldn’t be alone tonight.” A familiar woman said, her dark hair showing a few signs of silver, her skin enhanced by the deep lines around her mouth and eyes. She wasn’t any less beautiful, radiated strength and that bit of special all Lightwoods seem to carry around. “Maryse.” Magnus warned and pulled her into a loving hug. Shorter, younger and equally beautiful was Isabelle who immediately ran into his arms and turned this into a ‘family’ hug. They still felt like family, even if Alec’s death should have left him with the loneliness immortality just filled one with.  
Jace and Clary had come, too. They had recently celebrated their wedding, Clary currently pregnant with their first child. Magnus tried to separate himself from bitter jealousy. They were working towards the family Alec and he had dreamed of. Their dream had been mercilessly taken away from them.  
  
He greeted everyone and gestured them to come in. Maryse was right. They were all suffering tonight. Magnus might have lost his love, but Maryse had lost her child, Isabelle her brother, Jace his parabatai and Clary one of her best friends. She had come to rely on Alec so much, seen him as the protector and pure heart he undoubtedly was. His heart sank whenever he saw the pain in her face as if she felt somewhat responsible for his death. She wasn’t.  
  
On the way towards the balcony, his husband’s mother reached for his arm, pulling him closer to her. Magnus spotted the glint of tears in her eyes, just like in his own. “How are you doing?”, she asked him, the warlock answered with a weak shrug of his shoulders. He was doing terrible. His heart ached, his head hurt from explosions of memories and wishful thoughts; he felt sick and all he could think about was Alec. It hurt so bad, and he missed him even more; it drained him of all energy to go on.  
“I miss him so much.” Magnus then mumbled, voice breaking under the strain to confess it out loud. Maryse turned him to face her, her ageing hands reaching out for his face, thumbs wiping away a couple of escaped tears. “We all do, you can find support with us. You’re family, after all.” Magnus laughed at that. How? He didn’t have a family anymore; and whatever this was, immortality would continue to take mortal souls away from him. Maryse, her ageing skin was proof of that.  
“Magnus, I mean it.” She continued, pulling him into another embrace. He tensed up immediately this time. “My son loved you more than he has ever loved anything. You were his life, his heart and his soul. He married you, you’re a Lightwood now, remember? And even if you weren’t, what you and Alec have – had –” That one word slit through his soul. Past tense. Talking about Alec in past tense shattered him every time, but he listened. “was special. I would never betray my own son like this and not do everything in my power to make sure his love is taken care of. He is dead, but his heart still belongs to you, Magnus. Will always belong to you.”  
With arms slowly tightening, Magnus felt his face seek for comfort in the crook of her neck. She radiated that motherly aura, he couldn’t help but try to grab. He chocked, held onto her as he exhaled small whimpers. Maryse lost control over her own tears, felt them dampening her skin. Seeing Magnus suffer like this pained her too, but it also left her with a feeling of indescribable happiness. Knowing that her son had been loved this deeply and purely until he took his last breath, it was a feeling a mother would always wish for. Knowing that someone loved her son as much as he deserved, it left her with a flooded heart of gratefulness. Alec had deserved that maddening deep love and she could not have wished for someone better to give it to him. Magnus had turned into that shining star in her own world; her first born’s husband; his entire universe. And how could she not share the same feelings after learning how Alec had tried to change the world for this? He had followed his heart and fought to make things right; her son, a born leader and a young man Maryse had been so incredibly proud of. He had inspired many, and her too. She was so honoured to have witnessed her own son grow into a symbol of strength, loyalty and pure love.

“I just want his return. I’d give up everything to spend more time with him. We haven’t had enough.” He hiccuped while Maryse drew soothing shapes onto his back. She pulled back and flashed him a teary smile. “He wouldn’t want us to suffer.”  
  
Which was true. Alec had never wanted to be the cause of suffering, he always wanted to take pain away from others. But this time, this time he couldn’t.

Magnus led the others outside. He watched them sit under the dim sky, stars shining down at them. It was childish to think, fairy tales parents told their children to stop fearing death, but Magnus hoped it was true. He hoped souls turned into stars and watched over the people they had left behind. He hoped Alec was up there and could see him, find peace in knowing that he wasn’t left in a box of memories, shut away from his life. That he thought about him every second of the day, loved him so dearly still. If Alec was feeling content, all his fears and struggles washed off his mind, Magnus would accept his own suffering.  
  
Mind still occupied by the comforting thought of Alec watching over him and his family, he sank down next to Jace on one of the seats. Jace was his parabatai, he couldn’t fathom the pain he must be going through. Even after a year, there were still dark circles under his eyes and his usual cockiness faded into occasional comments. He still seemed broken when he spoke of Alec or thought about him, hand always resting on his lower stomach where had once been their bonding rune. When Alec had left this world, it wasn’t just Magnus who lost a part of his soul and heart, Jace had lost it, too.  
“You want to talk?” Magnus asked him. Their loss had pulled them closer together; nobody understood their heartbreak as well as each other. Jace shook his head anyway. “Not really.” He said, “Today’s just harder than usual. It’s a reminder, realising that it’s been a whole year without him and it just doesn’t get any easier. I wish Alec had known how special he was, I don’t think he had an idea how much he would be missed.” Magnus nodded in agreement. Although the young man had grown into a confident leader, there were still doubts and insecurities at the back of his mind. Alec had done so well to hide them, but as his husband, Magnus had managed to look past those protecting walls at times. He really had never thought people would suffer as much as they did without him.  
  
Magnus watched the clock for a few seconds. “A year ago you all came rushing in right about now.” He said, adding hesitantly, “I saw Alec and knew he wouldn’t be able to make it. It was the worst pain I have ever felt. You see the love of your life alive and breathing but in so much pain. And you know all you could do is take some of that away, but not help them through it. I knew all I could do was hold his hand and keep him in my arms until he loses the fight against injury and venom.” Jace, gaze downcast, played nervously with his hands. He swallowed and then hummed. “I know. I knew I’d lose him as soon as I picked him off the battleground. I felt it, but at the same time, I didn’t want to believe it. Feeling him lose his strength and life so slowly, it was awful.”  
  
“I think we should stop remembering my brother’s death.” Isabelle cut in, visibly fighting with her own tears. “He wouldn’t want that. And I don’t want to either. He’s done so much good in his life and all we remember is how he left us. That isn’t fair.” Clary squeezed her shoulders first, then pulled her into her arms. 

Both girls stayed like this for a while, weeping in each other’s presence. Magnus leaned against Maryse and Jace stood up to join us, finding space on the other side of his adoptive mother’s frame. They all stood there in comfort, gaze directed at the sky. The sky in which we hoped to find a sign of the missing piece among us. Alec Gideon Lightwood-Bane. 

A husband. A brother. A son and a friend. A leader and a hero, in more than one way. 

“I love you. Forever and always.” Magnus whispered into the sky. The pain in his chest did not subside, etched deeper into it the longer he thought about eternity without his better half. But he would live on for both of them, create a live for him, too. One life for the both of them. One future. 

And despite his plans, despite his wish to continue his life with Alec, it almost felt like he was looking down on them right now. A star glowing up, oddly fixating the warlock’s attention. Alec set him free. All of them. Allowed them to move on and silently, in his death, promised them to be their strength and protection. 

They shouldn’t suffer because of him, but love and live and share it with others. Alec wasn’t gone from their lives. He wasn’t present either, but became their guardian angel, something he was always meant to be. A protector.


End file.
